Every one of my visits before this one has been met with anxiety and fear of the anticipation of what my tomorrows hold. This last visit was different; I knew, walking into the Duke Cancer Center, that the mass removed from my head was benign. I had my CT scan and then my 6-week post-op appointment with my neurosurgeon. I then had to get labs; there was quite a wait, so we walked over to the balcony area where we could see the pianist and listen to the beautiful music. The sun was shining that day, unlike the other visits and the morning of my surgery, which we had been there for in January. For the first time in months, I stood there just taking in the moment with peace in knowing all was well. The sun was shining in through the tall wall of windows, filling the place with beautiful light as the pianist filled the place with music. Jerome put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I know he too was feeling the overwhelming peace in that moment. We stood there talking to each other while watching the pianist.
Then the pianist started playing a song we both knew, but couldn't think of the words or title. Then it came to me, it was a song I used to sing a version of to our youngest daughter Katie as I'd rock her to sleep as a baby. We started very quietly singing it together as we recalled the lyrics. My eyes lifted from watching the pianist and the poetry inscribed on the floor to all the business surrounding us. Others with the same fear in their eyes that I carried not that long ago, some with pain but strength-filled eyes, spouses with the same worry, concern, and strength I saw in my husband's eyes before this day. I stopped quietly singing along with him. I had never thought of this song as anything but a lullaby I once sang to my baby girl. The words. The words to this song choked me up in that moment. So much fear, pain, hope, courage, and strength filled this place as the pianist played this song.
I quietly said a prayer of gratitude to God for the benign results and a prayer for those surrounding me in this place.
Later that evening we were on our way to dinner, Maggianos, the same restaurant Aunt Pam treated us to the evening before my surgery, the evening her and Jerome gave me enough confidence to go out with the blue circles (markers needed for guidance during surgery the next morning) glued to my head and face. Jerome had added this song to his playlist, and it began playing on our way there. I listened to every note, the strings in the background, and every word to this song. My mind started replaying everything we've been through since October 26th, the ER doctor telling us that she had found a large mass that may be cancerous, all the waiting for answers, the worry in my husband's eyes, he tried hiding so he could be strong enough for both of us, fear of the unknown and surgery, the calendar on the wall in my neurosurgeon's office and how I'd look at it while waiting for him to enter the room, not knowing if I'd have as many tomorrows as I had hoped or if I did, how hard would they be to get through. And now, just finding out the results from the mass came back benign has changed everything. Fear doesn't greet me in the mornings when I wake, I find so much joy in the simple things in life, I can see relief in my husband's eyes now and as I looked at the calendar in my doctor's office this time I didn't see an unknown future filled with worry and fear but days I can now live to the fullest without fear holding me back. I also thought of all the other people with the ones they love in the waiting rooms and hallways of the cancer center today, and how much this disease affects not only those going through it but the families that walk along the journey with them.
I felt all these emotions build up as the song continued to play, and I just started crying. I cried hard, it was a huge release of emotions filled with the fear and worry I had carried for so many months, I could finally let go of these emotions and no longer let them consume me. I no longer had to pretend to be strong and courageous when inside I felt like the fear was crippling me. I could finally just BREATHE. Jerome held my hand as he drove, he reassured me it was ok to finally let it all out. He whispered to me, "This song get to you too?".
We celebrated at dinner, our 29th wedding anniversary is the 18th of March, we were high school sweethearts, played in the marching band and sang in the show choir together, we were married at 19, and lived the military life for 22 years. But most of all, this day, we celebrated the news we had been given that the mass was benign. I hope to have many more years ahead of us, 100 years with him wouldn't be enough. I couldn't have gone through this without him; he was my strength.
I still have a lot more healing to go, but I am healing is the important thing. I'll begin physical therapy soon. My neck muscles are tight and still very sore, they were put together tight to fill the void from the ass that my neurosurgeon removed. He said to me, "you had quite the prize" as he used his hands to show us just how large the mass was. He said he had never seen anything like it in his life. I'll have follow up appointments with him to ensure it doesn't come back.
My hope and prayer is that everyone else sitting in that waiting room receives the same benign results that I did and that they will soon feel the release of all the worry and fear of tomorrow as we did.
Tonight I thank God for the answered prayers we received and the gift of a tomorrow not met with fear.
With Love, Hope
The song played by the pianist was, The Prayer by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli.
The lullaby version is, A Mother's Prayer by Celine Dion.
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