Tell Your Worry To Be Quiet

 


Written November 5th

"Tell your worry to be quiet so your heart can hear the song, 'cause it's always been around you, it's been singing all along. All the moments to be savored and the memories to be made, all the wonder to be witnessed that you might miss if you're afraid. When you see the beauty don't let it slip away. When you look for miracles you'll see them every day." JJ Heller
This morning I woke with a grateful heart. While rocking my grandaughter to sleep last night and singing Edelweiss to her, this song came on after. Every word felt so honest and true. From the cold October air and warm sunshine hitting my face when we left the hospital to the sound of the crisp leaves rustling on the road as we turned the corner to home. From the excited growls that Aria showed me in her Sully costume as she asked for another sucker from her Momma, the laughter I shared with Katie as she ran home with Kennedy when she saw us in the driveway, and Kennedy's little eyes with her yellow Flounder costume peeking out from the carrier excited with the run she had just had strapped to her auntie in the carrier, to the sweet snuggle Audrey gave me after her bath and her small innocent eyes looking at me with care and concern and her smile after asking me if I was ok and I reassured her, "Nana is ok baby" and then snuggled her a little tighter.
I want to thank everyone for the prayers and words of comfort I have received here and that Jerome has received through messages and calls. But most of all, I want to thank those who have stopped by and have helped out when we needed it most.
Thank you Mom and Dad for the surprise visit at the hospital with my kids in the cafeteria. Thank you Mom for praying over me before you left. And Dad, you were quieter than usual, but I know why, I could see the worry written all over your face and how you hugged me a little longer. No words were needed to know, you were worried about your little girl. I love you both so much.
Thank you Jolena for the phone call in the hospital, it felt so good to talk about something besides everything else that had been going on. It felt good to talk about design and future plans we both have for our homes. Thank you for the words of encouragement and love through all of this.
Thank you Aunt Pam for coming to visit the very next day we were home from the hospital and thank you for your phone calls to check on us while we were in the hospital. Thank you for bringing dinner to feed not only our exhausted selves but also our family, you brought us a bit of normalcy in these crazy days. I know the visit was emotionally hard at first but as we all sat down as a family to eat, the laughter and conversation filled us all with happiness and comfort, and for a while it felt like none of this had ever happened. Laughter is truly the best medicine. I truly love and appreciate you more than you will ever know.
Thank you Jeremy Morris for the phone call to check in on me and your sweet words of comfort in these scary days. We grew up together since we were babies in diapers and share so many childhood memories, you too are like a brother to me. I wish you the best in your new career and even though you may be the oldest in the classroom, you have something those 20-year-olds don't have, years of life experiences and a wealth of knowledge and determination from those life experiences.
Thank you Toni Hammersley for the phone call to check in on me. I had never even heard of an integrated oncologist until talking to you, but now it makes so much more sense. Thank you for the reassurance and the reminder to not let myself think of negative outcome possibilities and to stay hopeful and strong because the worry was only making my body stay in a traumatic state of mind. Since your phone call, I have let go of the worry as much as possible and I can feel the stress and inflammation subsiding and with that, much-needed rest and sleep that my body needs.
Thank you Jamie Cooper Moales for messaging me when I was looking for an oncologist. Thank you for taking the wheel and steering me in the right direction to get the medical care I need. It's a scary road trying to navigate what doctors and what steps I need to take next. I will email you the written paper with the timeframe details today, to be honest, I hadn't wanted to sit down and write it all out, to think about everything from the beginning as it took place and the tests that were run. But I know it is important in my care and I truly appreciate you being on top of things. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Thank you Kaitlyn for just letting me cry in your lap at 3:30am our first night home. Keeping it all inside was making it all worse and I didn't want to wake your father as he needed just as much rest as I did, it was a long emotional week we had been through. Thank you for listening to me, my fears, and snuggling beside me as I fell asleep next to you that night. Thank you Brandon May for being there for Katie through all of this, for giving her support that she in turn gave me that night. As a mother, I don't want to put burdens on anyone else, especially my children, but that night, Katie took the burden off my shoulders and carried it so I could rest. I truly appreciate it and love you both.
Thank you Natalie and Michael for the early birthday present, the house shoes are perfect and so warm. Thank you for coming over and fixing dinner and bringing Aria over to play. Thank you to you, Katie and Kelsey for cleaning the house before we came home, and especially for decorating the living room. The house was dark when we came home, everyone was trick or treating, when I walked in the living room alone I cried as I saw everything decorated. I had the decorations out before all of this but never got a chance to decorate. I loved seeing the pictures I had printed of past trick or treating in the frames on the mantle and the witch hats hanging in the window. But get ready for Christmas, because I'm just about ready to put the tree up! It makes me happy. I love you all.
Thank you Spencer and Kelsey for Facetiming me to see the WVU marching band on the field last night. I was so excited about this birthday trip you and your dad had planned, I've never been to a college football game and I was excited to see the band play, my first WVU game. Being at the Majorette Festival to watch Bradley play made me realize how much I miss it all. The night air, the cold wind in my face, the sound that carries through a stadium as the band takes the field. It brings me back to the days with your dad in high school, the nervous anticipation as we marched on the field and all the memories we made together in marching band. I was really looking forward to it all. We will go next year!
Thank you JT Roach, our chiropractor, for helping Jerome get the sheetrock up the porch roof and through the window yesterday. Jerome was really stressing about it and he really had enough on his plate already. Thank you for showing up in a time of need. Yesterday I helped Jerome line up the windows because we can now seal up the room from the cold now that the sheetrock is upstairs in this hundred-year-old home that has an impossible staircase to maneuver anything large up the stairs. I want you to know you helped with more than just lifting sheetrock. You gave me a creative distraction, a room that Jerome will be able to put the base of together and will keep me busy as we create this beautiful room for our grandbabies. A room that will have many princess dress-ups as they dance, twirl, and sing to their favorite Disney songs, tea parties full of imagination, storybooks read at bedtime, cousin sleepovers, bunk bed tents, and a room full of giggles, laughter, first steps, kisses goodnights, and morning cuddles. We consider you and your wife Dawn as friends now, not just our great chiropractor. Thank you for being here in our time of need.
Thank you most of all to my husband, Jerome, my strength and rock through all of this. They say hard times make you stronger and if you make it through your marriage through the hard times, your marriage will be unbreakable. But I never thought anything could be harder to go through with you than your deployments to Afghanistan. After the deployments, I was naive in thinking our hard days were behind us because nothing could have been harder than that. But here we are. Thank you for being my voice when I needed you to be. Thank you for loving me, taking care of me, and reminding me that I don't need to carry this burden alone. Thank you for all the sleepless nights you sat beside me in an uncomfortable hospital chair, for holding me tightly as I cried hard in fear, and for reassuring me that we will get through this together. For having enough hope for us both as my doubts and fears overwhelmed me. I saw courage and strength in your eyes when I had none as I fearfully looked around each room as I was being wheeled down for another test, scan or blood draw in the hospital room. I saw the love you have for me through all of this. I felt your love with each kiss on my forehead, your hand holding mine, the way you tucked the covers in on me at night, the way you rubbed my back as I leaned on you with exhaustion, and the way you gently would touch my face and tell me you love me. I want you to know you are my hero, you always have been. I don't know what will be written for our story in the days, months, and years ahead, but I know whatever it may be, it couldn't be a more beautiful story than to write this story with you. I love you more than you will ever ever know. And I know that no matter the results, we will get through this together. And IF the results aren't what we hope for, we will fight this battle hard together and we will write many, many more chapters to our story, together.
Thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

With Love,
Amber Hope

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