This song, Hold On to Me by Lauren Daigle, I have listened to it almost on repeat since everything that happened at the end of October. The doctor at Duke wanted to schedule me for the 12th of December but I knew I just wanted to get through and enjoy the Christmas season first.
There is still a lot of emotion, fear, anxiety and decisions to be made but this song gives me peace. Nighttime is the hardest, it's when it's quiet and my mind starts spinning and fear creeps in. Christmas is different this year, it feels different, so many different emotions that are impossible to express. I am so very grateful for my husband, he has been my rock through all of this. He knows me, he knows when I just need him to wrap his arms around me and let me cry it all out. He knows how much having our kids and grandbabies here makes me happy and forget everything else that's going on. He knows how much the grandbabies room we've been working was a much-needed distraction, I can forget everything and let my creativity take over, even if it's scraping old 100-year-old wallpaper, it keeps my mind busy. I am very grateful for our kids, they too have been strong, especially Katie who is still here at home.
I thought getting through Christmas would be easy, I could just forget about everything, but it is much harder than I anticipated it to be. Our tree is up but still not decorated. When I look at the tree I see memories that I want to make but also a date that comes shortly after that I am very nervous about. The beginning of January is my appointment at Duke Cancer Center, and from there, surgery is to be scheduled. I am thankful for the doctors and nurses, their wisdom and guidance.
Writing has always been my outlet, it's what I did when Jerome deployed to Afghanistan both times and it is what helped me get through it all then. The fear and worry feel the same just in different ways. Then I worried and feared he may be hurt over there or not make it back home to us. I can't imagine my life without him. Now the fear and worry I have is fear for what this journey may hold. The unknown is a scary place to be and hard to navigate through.
The pictures here are from a visit at the hospital from my granddaughter, Audrey. She wanted to take a picture and wanted a bracelet like mine. So we made a bracelet together from one of her coloring sheets.
With Love, Amber Hope
Written December 12th 2023
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