Hopeful

 

Written January 1, 2024

We said goodbye to 2023 as we welcomed in more hope for 2024. Last year was good to us, even with these last few hard months, we made a lot of wonderful memories. 

This morning we packed our bags and are now on the road for my first appointment tomorrow at Duke University Hospital Cancer Center. We stopped at St. Mary's Hospital to get a copy of my recent CT scans and a hard copy for myself of all the MRI, CT and the bone scan I've had since October 26th. This trip it's just the two of us, which has been great because we've had time to go over everything, what questions we have for the doctor, what to expect for recovery after surgery and how long, we're able to figure out the number of vacation days we'll need to save and whether to continue with the candle business. I bought a journal several weeks ago but I've kept myself so busy to keep my mind off of everything that I haven't written in it yet.  I brought it with me, maybe once we get past these curvy WV roads I may start writing in it. I enjoyed a long phone call from my sister, Jolena. Written, January 1st

January 2nd

My first appointment at the Duke Cancer Center was January 2nd. I was very anxious but hopeful. My husband held my hand walking to the large buildings at Duke, he knew I was nervous about this appointment but also knew we both wanted answers. I can still hear the doctor saying, "I would be lying to you if I told you it wasn't cancer." He explained that not knowing what the large mass was on the left side of my head, that there is no true way of knowing if it is or isn't cancer until it is removed and then tested.  Surgery was then scheduled for January 25th. I think I was expecting to hear the same thing the neurosurgeon here in WV said but what Dr. F said was completely different. 

We started our drive home directly after the appointment, we knew we needed to save as many vacation days as possible for the days ahead. Our ride home was more quiet than our drive to Duke was, I felt kind of numb and in shock, scared about the surgery, worried how we were going to do everything and to be honest, whether I was strong enough emotionally and physically for the road ahead, I was scared. Driving back over the mountains hurt again, the rise and decrease in elevation always made where the mass was hurt so bad. It brought on the tears because of the pain but also let out a little of the fear I had been holding in since the appointment. I shared this song, Oh My Soul, I was feeling that song and dance in that moment.